December 13, 2006

December, the finale of the current year, and the gateway to another twelve months of experiences. A modern time and certainly a grand month to reflect on what has passed over this time. At the moment I have many tales, and revelations as to what I have witnessed and experienced thus far. And in terms of me just living my life and encountering whatever it is I might seek, this year has certainly become one I shall recall for many years to come. I’ve done much with my choice of lifestyle and choice of hobbies and thus those paths lead me to things that applied to them.

I shall begin with photography. My reflection on this, and the ideal I always question myself with is, “Am I really a photographer?” My reason being with this is, what is it that separates real professional photographers with 20,000 dollars of camera equipment and studios to someone who has invested a thousand or so into a digital camera. The issue with that is, someone with a digital camera need only snap a few hundred pictures and they’re bound to get a least one great photo. But then is it skill? I know and have seen far too many individuals like this that run around with a digital camera and call themselves a photographer. I’ll skip this for now, as it’ll only enter into a rant. Now then, between or even below the professionals and digitals you get me, a person who’s existence in such a hobby is based on the resources of others. And gifted with diplomacy skills, sufficient enough to talk a person into posing in front of a lens for me. To my credit I say this, at least I try, at least I go out there and find these resources, at least I take time to find the models. I do a lot for what I like doing, I invest tons of my time towards this and I learn from it further each time. I spend hours of my own time learning the flash photography system, figuring out how to pose and even socialize with models to make them at ease with me.

I got a comment the other day by a prospective model, and she told me that I was scary. I laughed at that notion but then I went and looked into the mirror, and figured for someone who didn’t know me and based their opinion on me based the photos I have up on the net one would assume just the same. Observe, if you will the mindset of prospective clients and curious. You see a guy in photos posing as dark and grim and in various “accommodating” locals, follow that up with a series of photos of said person posing with heavy metal musicians wearing corpse paint or looking angry. How could you not, unless of course those types of scenarios are what you indulge in also. At the end of all that, the comment just made me open my eyes and think about what I should do with that issue in regards to my photography.

My choice of “expression” if you will, does not slow me down, or hold me back when it comes to getting out there and photographing the world. For instance, a month or so ago I got my very first contract work, photographing an image for a gang intervention program for aboriginal youth. I went into it confident enough, and honestly found the job of actually photographing the subject simple, and in the end it was the easiest hundred dollars I’ve made in 30 minutes.

That experience gave me a taste of what it was like to be one of those photographers who actually made their living off what they loved doing. Just a taste though, I’m in the mindset right now that I should start charging. I’ve done over two dozen shoots and have experience with pretty much every form of photographic endeavor one can thing of. Why shouldn’t I charge? And why wouldn’t my style or experience be worth the dime of clients? I’ll explain something however to avoid my own hypocrisy. There was a time, not too long ago where I made the comment that I could never charge for my work, and I still feel the same. BUT, doing this with the tools I use costs me money, sometimes I invest over a hundred dollars for one shoot, and beside that lend hours of my time, to get a 10+ pictorial for whoever has the eyes to see on the internet. All, of course for free. A few days ago as of this writing I took a huge step in terms of what I am used to doing photographically and did a photo set for a woman for the website Suicidegirls.com. This to me holds a lot of meaning to me:

First off, it shows me that I’ve done enough work out there to get someone to approach me for such a representation of themselves and that they trust my work enough to do such a thing. Either that or I came with a cheap price haha. I couldn’t ask for a large sum as I’ve never done such a thing before and figured that I should be the one paying for having the experience of doing it. But it went ahead, I had things planned as well as I could, and did enough research to approach the shoot confidently. It went well, and we got some terrific images.

Secondly, the was a test of everything that I ever knew about lighting a subject, posing the subject, and doing all the technical work correctly. And judging from the majority of the photos I did all of the above great, and perhaps did my best work yet. I should mention it helped that there was high production value, a rented camera, a studio, and even a make-up artist.

Third and most concerning of all. The wait to see if my work was worthwhile enough for the site to use. If it gets approved and accepted then huzzah! However, if It fails to impress then I can see that even my best, with all the production value behind it was just not enough and it’s time to look back and see what I need to improve on. I know I’ll feel like crap, but I’ll just have to wait and see.

As of this writing I’m taking a break from photographic process for a month or so, because I’m pretty burnt out. Imagine doing something you love so much that eventually it wears you out, it’s strange, indeed. Pretty much every day for the past few weeks I’ve been involved in some way or another with a camera. I’ve been directing and teaching a class of 12 on how to use the flash lighting system, as well as taking proper portraiture photos. Well I’ll be taking my break after this week, as I still have 3 shoot to do, then rest. But rest assured I’ve a lot of projects and models lined up to get me started in the New Year, that is, if everything goes as planned.

The next topic I’d like to discuss is the difference between friends and associates and even less then. And this is my rant to end the year. I’ve my share of each, and some people seem to have the term “friend” confused. People seem to through this term around carelessly. Example: [link], where it’s possible for any sap named Joe to have 6000 friends that are all women. That is a careless use of the term, truly and fully. In my own case, I have 300 friends and I have a purpose or case for each and every one. I notice if someone has changed an avatar, or posted a new blog. Hell, it’s part of my daily routine. I love reading about other people’s lives, whom I know, but not genuinely. Honestly, you don’t call someone you met once, your friend, or just because you know some persons name does not mean they’re your friend. Another example, Internet association is also confused with friendship. I don’t call someone your friend if you only see them four times a year at the local metal show.

I know plenty of people like this as well and only in a few instances have they become friends. This is because in that short time we actually met each; we found a true, genuine association and friendship. A personal example, my dear friends Marles and Nico, here are two individuals who have such a strong presence in person and on the Internet; you can’t help but take notice. Wise in their years and totally caring for anyone who gives them the chance, I seen more emotion and just bonding in the single day I seen them than from some people I’ve know for many years now. That to me is something special. Another case, I have another two older friends (I get along better with my elders then with my age group) who I see on the occasion, but the link is truly something special. In the time I spend with them I laugh or discuss more in that short time frame than I usually do in weeks. These are people who have lives that conflict with my own choices, but our personal interests is genuine enough that we get along fully. Two people, out of the many I know in this city are that way to me. And lastly, in terms of my own association and friendship,

I’ve come upon one woman who I seen only one time and became fascinated with their figure for the longest of time. Till eventually we did meet and did some creative work. This woman, I found became special to me, as in her I seen traces of myself. And towards me she displayed that genuine feeling I seek so often, yet never find. Here is someone who pays attention to detail, and actually cares about what I do, and has the ears to listen. And I make it my duty and my pleasure to do the same. I make the effort to become a true to her, and what will become of my efforts I’ll find out in time. Either I’ll have another reason to leave the house, or just another reason to entertain the idea of the misanthrope. But I know this, I’m in it 100%. I value it that much, and I feel the experience is something I’ve not indulged in since my days in Saskatchewan. And again, I point out, we’re in the same boat, both new to the city and looking for enlightenment.

This friendship, as I label it, is something new for me, a new experience in testing my own social values and my will to push the envelope towards what I discuss with someone other than my lady, or my best friend of many, many years. I need more real friends. I feel it’s the lack of such that keeps me home all the time, people I find are self-centered and care only about their own significance. I’ve been here almost 3 years now, and associates come and go with the months, or the websites, what I have to show for it, in terms of people I can truly call my friends are only a handful. What does that show you? Either the world is full of unappealing people, or I’m just too damn picky. But why should anyone settle for less? Why should people live something that not is, a mentality of assumption. To so many it seems, a thin line between friendship and association.

End